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DEAR JOURNAL MINE,
[LINKS :: her dreams : her unraveling reality : her inner D&D nerd ] 11:17 - 08.28.09 Once again, I didn't get enough sleep. I feel weak. I took extra potassium even though I don't know if that's the problem. I'm probably killing myself, trying to be my own doctor. At least I don't charge myself $50 just for breathing the air. I suppose I may have overdone it yesterday. We (mainly, I) rearranged the living room furniture, vacuumed, dusted. Today, I'm suppose to steam clean. I'm drinking coffee, that I really don't feel up to drinking, in the hopes that it will restore me, like it's a magical brew. I feel . . . paralyzed. I can surely list 10 different things I need or want to do, but I just - can't - get - started. 13:35 - 08.25.09 For the past few days I'd given up being productive in any way online. Just too stressed out. Watched a lot of episodes of Beauty and the Beast from season 3 on YouTube. You know, my favorite character actually was never Vincent. Even when I was 12 or 13 (when it first aired), I loved Jacob "Father" Wells. If you knew me, that wouldn't surprise you at all. Ever since I was old enough to have sexual fantasies (or at least intimate ones), I was always infatuated with older men. My female peers were swooning over Kirk Cameron, Michael J. Fox, Ralph Macchio, who knows what other pretty boy. Who was I "in-love" with? Jeremy Brett, Patrick Stewart, Daniel Davis, Roy Dotrice, Charles Gray, Paul Darrow, and several others you've never heard of. I mean, I actually watched The Nanny, putting up with Fran's horrid voice, just to see Niles (Davis). This isn't what I came here to talk about. I don't know what I'm here to talk about. I'm stressed out. I have to write to our credit card company because , from what I've been able to discover, a site called xxxobsession.com used some outside company to charge our account for subscribing to that website! *sigh* And we just had our credit card number changed from a security breech a couple months ago. How do these fuckers do it? Well, they charged us pennies away from $100. I just hope I can get it taken off and *sigh* I guess we'll need a new credit card number . . . again. Also, I learned that the homeschool sign-up meet was the damned 17th! Last year, I searched the local paper's event calendar daily, looking for the meet. When the deadline was getting too close for comfort, I emailed the head of the local homeschool group. The meeting had been the day before, and they didn't advertise it. She said the yearly announcement was in their newsletter and it was only on the rare occasion when they put it in the paper for public knowledge. See, our first year, I just made an appointment with the attendance officer, and she told me that there were meets and that I might find the information in the paper. So, the next year, I checked the paper and there it was. This led me to assume that it was in the event calendar of the paper every year. So then the third year (last year), nothing, and that was when I emailed. Now, the fourth year, just the other night, I was bored and idly went to that site, remembering what happened the year before, and there, on the front page of the site, was the announcement of when and where the meet had been this time! Anyway, last year, I went to sign up for this wonderful newsletter (The Pathfinder - go figure). In order to get the newsletter you had to join their group by downloading, printing, filling out a form, and mailing it with $15! On this form, they want to know your church membership (!!) and the father's occupation (??). You also have to check one "family group preference." Four family surnames are listed - people I've never heard of - and I'm supposed to just blindly pick one of these strange families to associate myself and my son with? And why? At the bottom of the form, both parents must sign that they have read and have agreed to comply with the STATEMENT OF PURPOSE, which begins thusly: The purpose of the XXXXXXXX Christian Home Educators (xCHE) is to equip, support, and encourage homeschooling families in XXXXXXXXXX and the surrounding area as they seek God's will in training and educating their children. It goes on to say: *xCHE is a Christian organization and has an unchanging standard--God's Word. As such, all the group's activities, publications, and conduct are to be consistent with the teachings and principles of the Bible. *To encourage an environment for our children that will contribute to the development of godly character and Christian principles and virtues, each member is expected to honor God through modest appearance and appropriate attitudes and actions at xCHE events. . . . 1. The Bible is the inspired Word of God. 2. God has existed from all eternity in three persons: God the Father, God the Son, and God the Holy Spirit. Jesus Christ, born of a virgin, was God come in human flesh being fully God and fully man except without sin. 3. Man is by nature sinful and is inherently in need of salvation. 4. Christ's death provides substitutionary atonement for our sins. He literally rose from the dead. 5. Salvation is offered as a gift--free to the sinner. The gift must be responded to in individual faith, not trusting in any personal works whatsoever, but the sacrificial death and resurrection of Jesus Christ alone. 6. Children are a heritage from the Lord entrusted to parents to train up in righteousness for His glory. . . . *The Laying on of Hands (The Blessing) is an essential part of the graduation, with the purpose to distinguish the xCHE graduation from secular graduations. AND THIS HAS WHAT TO DO WITH HOMESCHOOL? It makes me so mad! I mean, WTF? "He literally rose from the dead"?? These are the kinds of people we live around! I feel like I'm surrounded by zombies who've created their own cult! *sigh* ANYWAY . . . I have to make an appointment with the attendance officer. Since this year we have only one running vehicle, The Man is going to have to take a day (or morning) off work and drive us there. (If he's available, he insists on doing the driving. All his accidents/tickets and he's the better driver. Mmm-hmm. I've only been in one accident that wasn't my fault.) It's just a lot of hassle. I have to look nice and decent, too. Well, I figure it best, in any case. The Man certainly can't go in the building with me. I'm glad I haven't dyed my hair yet. I was close recently, but it's best to wait until after this little duty. I just don't want to bring attention to myself. I mean, a goth . . . among all these good Christian folk? Of course, they wouldn't recognize goth. To them, I'd be a Satanist, an atheist, a witch. They'd likely turn their children away from me at the very least. I slept so horribly last night! It was like I had that Restless Leg Syndrome. I doubt I do. I think it was just last night. But I could not get comfortable. I was awake until long after 4am, and I had the alarm set for 9, knowing I'd have to get up to take the dog out at 7 (The Man wakes me up for that). Anyway, I was in bed until nearly noon. The Kid is old enough to know what to do. When he knocked on the bedroom door just before noon, I came out of a deep sleep with adrenaline pumping through me because he scared me. I don't see a lot getting done today. Vacuuming, dog bath, one basket of laundry. That'll probably be all. 00:21 - 08.21.09 Dave showed up, so I cut that last one short (what else I would have written, I don't know). He was half-drunk. Showed up out of the blue. He didn't stay long. The Man was not very welcoming toward him. Not rude, just unwelcoming. Everyone's in bed now. I feel bad to say that I feel my best when I'm the only one up. I was always like this. My favorite times were when I was alone. I loved being alone. I'd sleep, read, write, watch my favorite shows, take a walk, take a long bath, listen to music, think. . . . Sometimes (OK, more than sometimes), I feel like I've put my life on hold. Part of me is waiting for my life to resume. I don't know what else to write. 21:12 - 08.20.09 I know I've complained before about not being able to get online, but it's been so bad today that I've actually avoided the internet. It's like I'm being conditioned to stay away from computers because I know as soon as I sit down, someone is going to want me to get right back up again . . . and again and again and again. And for what? Come look at this picture I found! I'm everyone's audience. Everyone needs me. I'm the one who's always free to do something for someone (even if I'm not). I'm the one who's "never doing anything important." I feel like shit when it takes me days/weeks/months to reply to an email/comment/post. And when I finally, finally get around to replying, the other person replies within the hour and I'm left once again with a reminder in the back of my mind to try to get around to replying sometime within the year. I wanna tell people not to email me back so quickly so I don't have to go around feeling so bad. But, I guess two good things happened today. The whole day was stormy. Lots of thunder, dark skies, bright lightning, wind, pouring rain. The other thing was that I found a Beauty and the Beast marathon on Chiller. 08:11 - 08.17.09
I love this. It's so true. I am so thankful I was not brought up on religion. I think that's what makes people so close-minded -- that religion has been shoved down their throats since they were babies. Children are impressionable. They don't know any better. You tell them about this shit from the time they're able to comprehend words, and they're gonna grow up believing it. It becomes "real" to them. Grown-ups that they naturally trust, talking about things as if they're real and true . . . what else are they supposed to think? All those years of programming are nearly impossible to undo. 00:45 - 08.16.09 I'm glad I don't link to my notes on Realmlore. There's never been a need since most of my visitors there don't come from Diaryland. What would those visitors think if they read the note I got last night? I'm leaving it there, though. Maybe he'll come back later and read it and realize how insane it sounds. Yeah, probably not. My cousin read it. What was her reaction? Her: WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT SHIT!!!! FUCKING PSYCHOPATH. I thought I attracted the psycho fucked freaks BUT DAMN WOMAN!!!!! (. . .) My skin was crawling while I read that shit. No joke. (. . .) Sounds like the type of sicko that would kidnap a girl and keep her locked in his basement. Read poetry to her and stroke her face, smell her hair, and tell her "you'll love me someday." Me: why me? Her: Cause you're puuurty. And have wicked taste in shit. You have a fuckin groupie. An obsessed groupie. She said more than this, but I'll spare you the more extreme parts. I showed it to another friend of mine, and we ended up sort-of sharing stories of the past psychopaths in our lives. At least his killed herself, so he doesn't have to ever worry over her anymore. *sigh* Why me? Even when I was younger, I somehow attracted the disturbed ones. What is it about me!! 22:35 - 08.11.09 Apparently, a certain person whom I won't name (aren't I nice?) has linked me in his 8/11 entry. I have added Gwar's "Sick of You" (awesome song, love the lyrics!) to the top of my playlist to express how I feel about this. Oh, and of course, his diary is locked, so I have no way of knowing why he linked to me, what he's said this time. Now that that's off my chest. . . . I can't wait until The Dog has taken all his medication. He takes it at 7am and 7pm. I'm not an early riser. I don't get up terribly late, either, but. . . . It's really screwing me up. It's typically an hour-long interruption, and I can't always get back to sleep. Taking The Dog out for a piss around 4am doesn't bother me. That's a pretty quick trip, and he seems to understand that we're going right back to bed. He doesn't always feel that way at 7am, though. I could have done it so that I gave it to him at 8 and 8 or 9 and 9. Oh well. I'll stick to the schedule until Thursday, when the meds run out, then we're doing a slight alteration. He's gonna hafta poop on my time. He's still a sweetie, though. 11:18 - 08.10.09 Well, I think the old laptop is finished. And just after I got a new wireless adapter for it, too. Figures. I don't know if I'll try to salvage it or not. It was old. And it's not like I truly need it. I just hope there was nothing on it that wasn't already on the new laptop or the desktop computer. I can't remember. Damn. What sucks the most is that, since it ran XP, it was only place I could use my PictureIt! Publishing software. Not nearly as good as Photoshop, I know, but my image editing/creating needs have never been that great anyway. But now, when my cousin comes over, we can't be geeks and chat with each other on messenger from across the room. :-D I'm procrastinating. I have quite a to-do list for today, and I just don't wanna dooeet! 19:18 - 08.08.09 I am so fucking frustrated right now. Ever read "Mother Hitton's Little Kittons"? Yes, I spelled that right. Well, I feel I could power that weapon with my rage alone. I can't read, write, nap, or even think. Every time I start to do something of my own, someone interrupts me. Unceasingly. I just tried to watch a video and paused it like five times before a minute of it passed. I tried to sleep earlier and was awakened . . . well, I lost count of how many times. I'm trying to read and reply to email. Can't do that. I'm actually getting a headache from this. I can seem to control the interruptions, too, in the way of unpausing a video or finding my place in a book. It's a guarantee that someone is about to interrupt me. It's like fucking magic, man. And it's driving me insane. The Kid, I can understand. He's just a kid. The Man, however. . . . If I'm online or reading, I'm doing "nothing." And he interrupts me as he pleases. I've tried talking to him about it, but he acts like he truly does not understand what fuck I'm talking about. Likely an act, I know. He looks down on reading and doing anything online. Oh, and just because I'm sitting in the living room while the tv is on, it doesn't mean I'm watching tv! It only means that I know what happens if I seclude myself to have some time alone. Arguments. Why are you alone in a room? Why can't you come into the living room? You don't want to be around us? What are you doing, anyway? Something stupid, probably. I can never catch up. Not with anything. 12:05 - 08.06.09 We are once again poised to make history. This time with the Sotomayor vote. What the fuck is wrong with you people (not all of you)!? It seems making history is more important than making the best decision! Hmm. We could vote for that person, who is certainly qualified and worthy, BUT, wow, if we back this person, we'll have had a hand in making history! Don't vote for someone just because they would be the first fill-in-the-blank. That is STUPID! 23:25 - 08.04.09 I blame it all on stress -- the palpitations, which I've doing pretty well at controlling; the scary, almost pain-like, 1-2 second sensations behind my left boob, the fatigue, etc. The Man stresses me out. I had a bad headache today that was accompanied at times by odd sensations and one brief bout of weakness and light nausea. The Man came home and, well, he likes to talk a lot when he gets home, and , gently as I could, I asked him not to talk to me for a while because of my headache. What does he do? The same thing he does when I ask him not to try to start a conversation with me or make sickening noises when I feel like I'm about to throw up. He argued with me! Defending the various topics he started up, telling ME to "think about it" -- to think about what I was "accusing" him of. And I tried to explain that I couldn't hold a conversation with the pounding pain in my head. But he feels he's more important than a person's sickness. He must! One time, I was very nauseous, and I asked him to quick hocking into the sink because the sound was making me want to heave. Rather than being considerate and understanding, he began arguing, getting defensive, like, how dare I ask such a thing? I don't know what to do with him sometimes! And then he tells me that I treat him the same way when he doesn't feel well, which completely goes against my nature! Ugh! 21:39 - 08.03.09 Anybody else keeping up with The Next Food Network Star? Probably not. Very disappointing outcome. Jeffrey should have won. I jokingly imagine to myself that they gave it to Melissa to avoid a potential lawsuit after she committed suicide from not winning. "And the next Food Network star is . . . Jeffrey!" I need a dog psychologist. Well, actually, I think I have him figured out. See, as of two days ago, he's begun pissing on the back porch when I take him out. I try to stop him, but, come one, it ain't easy (to quote an old Bowie song). Now that he's accustomed to being an inside dog, he must not care for the cleanliness of the back porch where he used to spend most of his time. So, he must think it's ok to piss there. At least it's concrete and not wood. I gave the whole porch a power rinse earlier. He finally got his heartworm medication today. Fucked up thing. When we got him back from the vet, they'd given us a $5 rebate certificate for Heartguard Plus, only good if we got it through them. Well, The Man told me to throw it away, that he'd pick some up at Wal-Mart. Sounded fine to me. I'd just looked at the heartworm medicine at Wal-Mart a couple weeks before. Well, The Man went to Wal-Mart, couldn't find it, asked about it, and was told they didn't carry it, that he could only get it at a vet's office. Crazy timing to pull it off the shelves. And I KNOW it was there because the reason I didn't buy it when I read the box at Wal-Mart was because it said it should only be taken by dogs who'd tested negative (like ours, but this was before the vet trip), so I didn't buy it. But I know it was there! So, The Man had to wait until today to go back to the vet and get it. But I do feel better now that The Dog's had his first dose. Still, they could have told him that he couldn't buy it in stores. 23:12 - 08.01.09 Major flashback for me! This was one of my favorite video games when I was a kid! At the risk of sounding pathetic, it was a rather haunting experience to hear these sound effects again. Eighty percent of the reason I played this was for the cool sounds, especially the sound of the holes opening in the shield wall. And now here is an idiot's review of the same game, but I'm including it anyway. The only thing this guy has going for him (yeah, right) is that he's got that bored reviewer voice down pat. *rolls eyes*    |
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