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DEAR JOURNAL MINE,
[LINKS :: her dreams : her unraveling reality : her inner D&D nerd ] 15:07 - 09.14.09 OK. OK. What do you think I should do? I don't think I'm in my right mind anymore. I mean, damn, I'm desperately emailing him, begging him to leave me alone. How pathetic is that? Should I lock? Disconnect and hide? Ugh. Nevermind. Don't answer. I just gotta come up with a new diary name and just abandon this one. 14:52 - 09.14.09 Well, I just had my first direct communication with him. I replied to his email. It was brief, and I think I wrote, "Leave me alone," like, 5 or 6 times. It's all I want. I told him I didn't know anything about the children in his neighborhood. 14:24 - 09.14.09 Damnit! He sent me another email! This time saying that he's considering suing me for saying that children in his neighborhood are unsafe!! What the hell?? I don't even know if children live in his neighborhood! He says I'm making him out to be a child molester! I'm 32, not 15! Did I ever say he molested me? No! He says I'm "defaming" him. Well, I looked it up. Slandering and defaming have to do with lying about someone, which I have not done! I've got so much else to worry about. My health, my husband's health, my son's schoolwork, even my dog's health! I do not need this! I've been talking about how his actions have affected me, stressed me out. Am I thinking of charging him with harassment? No! I mean, how can he do all the shit he's done to me and then threaten me!? 12:04 - 09.14.09 I'm still thinking of a new name for the new diary. And I will email you guys back with the info as soon as I have it. I'm finally about to read the notes he left me, the email, and other places where he's written. Hopefully, this will all be over soon. I've already read the note he left on his own notes page. It's disgusting. Yes, internet interactions are indeed different than "real life". Duh. But you can't act one way on the internet, claim to live another in real life, and then defend your internet actions based on all the things you claim to be about in real life. And, apparently, that's what he's doing. This he wrote to a friend: "Do you even know me? Have you ever heard any of my music? Have you heard me sing? Play the piano? Did we run a race together? Did I see you at the finish line? Would you recognize me walking down the Avenue, and wouldn't the types of people I hang out with completely shatter your image of me? Have you ever taken a class from me? Did we go on a long bike ride together? Sit on the beach? Watch the sunset? Do you know me at all? Do you?" Bunk! Bunk, bunk, bunk! What does ANY of that matter? But I've seen it before. I've seen lots of people who insist that another cannot criticize them unless they have accomplished similar things in life as they have. Retarded bunk! It's like saying that one's opinion of a book or movie means nothing because he or she is not an official "critic." He wrote: "I never wrote anything about Rana in any of my blogs - that's a paranoid fiction of hers." I wouldn't be so creeped out if he hadn't been writing about me in his blogs! I saw the entries with my own eyes! It's just like before! Whoosh, and his diary is blanked out. Whoosh, he deletes entries. And then he says that he never wrote certain things. It's maddening! And for the people who are telling me, or think, that we should both apologize to each other. Sorry, it's not happening. I grew up with that kind of injustice and humiliation. I have a sister who is a sociopath. I'd be off minding my own business, and she'd suddenly accuse me of doing something when no one was looking. And it was the kind of thing I couldn't defend myself against. I never had proof. Only her word against mine. How would our elders deal with it? Make us apologize to each other (when I wasn't made to apologize alone for the imaginary event). Do you know how it feels to apologize for something you didn't do?
"But the biggest mistake I made was getting drunk and leaving her a note in the first place." Thank you! Thank you for clearing that up for those who were accusing me of starting this! To clarify another thing he brought up. I am "asocial" as it relates to this definition: 'not sociable or gregarious; withdrawn from society'. And I have a fear of dialing phone numbers, perhaps of being the one to initiate conversation. I don't know, but once I'm on the phone with someone, that fear disappears. As for the reason I've used his name. It's because he uses his real name all over the internet. He's obviously never cared to keep his real name a secret like a lot of people, including myself. His name was on his blogs, and on email addresses he made public. Everyone knew his name was Andy. He never made it a secret. "... it [our friendship] began to sour when things got a wee bit too close for comfort." No, that's not when things went sour. I was dealing with the too-close-for-comfort issue. Being thousands of miles away allowed me to tolerate that part. "I feel confident that I will not be coming back [to Diaryland]. I can't be on this site anymore." How many times have we heard that? One of the pissers about all this is that he deletes his drunken rantings, or uses drunkenness/being high/having mood swings due to his mental illness as his excuse when he can't delete notes he's left others. In any case, it's never his fault! And he's always the good guy because he apologizes and has good explanations for his behavior, etc. But it repeats and repeats. Episode, apology; episode, apology; episode, etc. He wrote to me, "I can understand you're feeling as though you were enjoying DiaryLand again. Can you understand that I was also enjoying it until friends of mine started to alert me to these posts you are writing about me?" I can hear my response to that with a series of censorship bleeps sounding long and loud all through it. I was writing about how I was feeling after HE re-initiated contact through someone else and then I learned that he had ALREADY written things about me, and THEN when I was creeped out, couldn't write on my own diary, and then finally opened up about it. I'd forgotten him. I was going along my merry way. Then he started harassing my friend again, leaving her his new diary name in the process. So, yeah, I read it. And that's where I found the bullshit that set my nerves on edge and so I wrote about it here, on my diary, where I write about things that are going on in my life! And get this! He wrote to me this last night, "Any reader here can read my entire diary, which yes I have abandoned, but which I left here for people to see." Oh, really?? minstrelite, ostracismo, mystokryst - BLANK, BLANK, BLANK! Liar! OK, I just checked that email he sent me last night. It was blank, so I don't know what he meant by that. Just to freak me out more? Who knows?
00:06 - 09.14.09 Email rana . kane @ hotmail . com if you want to know when I get my new diary created. See below. I'm done with this shit. Update: And, no, I still have not read any of them! Update 2: *bangs head repeatedly* I had no true reason to look at my trash folder. I knew how many Diaryland note notifications I had sent there. And there was an email from him not 20 minutes old! I have any communication from him filtered to go directly into the trash. Now you see, enurta, neko? You see what I've been dealing with? Oh, they are probably the nicest little notes, but that's not the point! He's not supposed to have contact with me!! 23:47 - 09.13.09 I swear I'm going to fucking lose it! I. am. going. to. lose. my. shit! I just got an email notification that he has left me a note on this account. I don't even want to read it! How many notes have I left him? 0! How many emails have I sent him? 0! And I'm talking about the last 3 months! Yes, I have mentioned him here, but only in response to how this bullshit is affecting my life. That's what a fucking diary is for! Yet this is my fault?? Shit. Damn. Fuck. I literally feel as thought I could strangle someone to death with my bare hands right now! Update: Now there are three notes from mystokryst! Make it fucking stop!! I keep deleting the email notifications, but then another pops up for a new note! Augh!!!!!! Update 2:I still have not read these notes, but even if they are announcements and play-by-plays of his suicide, I've had it. I'll be thinking of another account name. 20:54 - 09.11.09 Don't lash out at them. They don't know. They weren't there. They don't even care to know the whole story. The whole story spans years, countless emails, notes. . . . They don't understand, and they're not paying attention. Don't make them a part of this. They're ignorant. Even if you explained, they would likely defiantly refuse to open their minds to what's really been going on. I was happy here again. He had finally left me alone. All was quiet. I had honestly forgotten him. Truly forgotten him. And I wrote easily, feeling safe and free. Then he sent me that note. It was like reading a drunk trying to sound poetic. I ignored him. Friends and family who read it had the same opinion about it. It was creepy and generally fucked up. It freaked me out. Suddenly, he was there again. He emailed the other, out of the blue, and she responded that she did not wish him to contact her again. Yet he emailed her again. He's opened blog after blog, and has talked about us in each. Unsettling things. Disturbing things. Emails, notes. Why now? Why won't he stop? How the fuck are others thinking we're the ones who started and then re-started this? It's like a fucking bad dream. You defend yourself, you inform and warn others of what's being done to you and by whom . . . and others come to bash you in the fiend's defense? When did the world stop making sense? Is this why battered women find it difficult to come forward? Is this the shit they have to put up with. It's only a difference of the electronic rather than the physical. I'm just saying. . . . He's a mentally disturbed man in his fifties who has admitted to perversities. I'm a married, homeschooling, mother of one young child, and who is fed up with the relentless pursuit of a man who virtually can't stay away from or forget me. Three months free of him. That's all I got. And now this sudden return . . and it's all my fault? 11:12 - 09.10.09 I know I have things to do, but I don't know what to do first. I don't feel like sitting through bank statements and bills right now. (Later) Damn, I've had this page open for over two hours! Just sitting back down, and just about to get up again. Screw it, here's a video: Flashback! 20:43 - 09.09.09 I was scrambled eggs for the first half of the day. I think it was the caffeine. I felt overwhelmed when I really wasn't. I got the appointment with the attendance officer for Friday at 2pm to sign up The Kid for homeschool this year. Check. And I got my revised and renamed fanfic posted at ff.net (and on my site) like I said I would. I made this, 09/09/09, my deadline so that I'd actually do it (and hopefully stick to regular updates). Check. The grocery shopping is done. Check. The hardcover of The Skrayling Tree by Michael Moorcock is in the mailbox to a fellow paperbackswap.com user. Check. Laundry. Half-check. The faint scent of Downy fabric softener permeates the chill air blowing down from the ceiling vent. Ahhh. . . . Dishes. Half-check. They're clean, but still in the washer. The Dog is bathed. Check. The rug is vacuumed. Check. Bank statements balanced with register. No check. Got tired of looking at numbers. Ugh. Finish it tomorrow and pay bills. Read the note that Andy left for me, likely in response to the entries I've recently written about him. No check. I'll read it eventually. Go read it for yourself, dear reader, if you will. I care not. More things to do, people to read and reply to. . . . 10:52 - 09.08.09 Well, I just noticed that momoironeko took me off her favorites. We had become friends when mystokryst jumped all our asses when he was minstrelite. But momo has gone back to him. Too bad her friendship isn't enough to occupy him. She always was too soft. And there are people (not saying she's one of them) who will always forgive one who claims to be Christian. Doesn't matter if the fiend's actions and other words throw up every red flag there is, as long as he's "Christian," he can't be bad, and should be given every chance, never turned away. Shit like that. Some people are so naοve. You just have to remember that you can't help them, and that it's best to consider them in league with the undesirables and cut associations with them. So, I've taken her off my list just now. I don't need any connections to mystokryst. Just last night he did something (not to me) only a disturbed mind would do. He can't let go. Why can't he stay on one of the other 5 or 6 blogging sites he's signed up with? Why can't he stick to using and abusing the people of MySpace? I mean, hell, by the very nature of that stupid site, its users are asking for it. Just . . . listen. I know Andy seems nice, like a good Christian man, but he's unstable and his friendship will soon become a burden to you. He'll wear you down. You'll discover yourself, like, self-conditioned in how you talk to him, knowing that you must couch your words in order to have civil interaction with him. You'll grow to hate yourself for always intentionally speaking softly because you know the wrong word can set him off. To the girls: Have you ever been nice to a guy and soon regretted it because they took your casual show of kindness as an act of love, and then you had a hard time shaking them off because they'd become instantly obsessed with you? Well, that's Andy. You have to be really cautious. I wasn't cautious. I'm on the other side of the continent, about half his age, and married. I thought I was safe. I know better now. A dirty old man is still a dirty old man even if he's a Christian, even if he nicer than nice to you, even if he takes his time chatting you up with all kinds of compliments. Just don't be fooled. He has slandered the hell outta me, good Christian man that he is. . . . I'm a sorcerous whore who seeks to use my magic to kill him and all that. Um, yeah, okay, whatever, crazy person. 20:21 - 09.06.09 I think I can't write because he's still around. Now as "mystokryst." And he's written some pretty creepy things about me that I won't bother to repeat. Nothing major, and he hasn't bothered me directly after having made this blog (his what? 20th blog on 6 different sites? seriously.), but he did recently bother a friend of mine. He admits his flaws, finally recognizes them and all, but what he doesn't get is that we don't fucking care. We just want to be left alone. It's like he thinks if he comes back and says that we were right about him, we're going to accept him and shit. It doesn't work that way. Put it this way, if he lived down the road from me, I'd have to move out of fear for my family's safety. Knowing and admitting that you're crazy (easiest word) doesn't mean that you can control the crazy. I would be in danger. I have no doubt of that. When he's in a normal phase, he's like the nicest man around. But you just never fucking know when he's going to go off. And he goes off hard. There are some fucking messed up things that he's admitted to that . . . . Ugh. Some of the things he admits to . . . . Let's just say they're things that any sane person, well, likely wouldn't do in the first place, but certainly would never let news of it get out. There are plenty of people who talk people's heads off about their problems, same shit all the time. And when you dare offer a solution, they go off like how dare you do more than listen and agree! Well, that's him, only, he fucking explodes. And I got fucking tired of it. If I said something he didn't like, he'd lock me out of his diary and I'd see incoming links to me coming from new entries of his that I couldn't read. He could have been saying anything. Actually I'm pretty sure of what he was saying. I'd been reading for a while how he'd talk about other people who'd been in his life and how he "moved beyond" them since "they weren't looking out for his best interests." Now I know what really happened because he said the same about me. He wants to complain his ass off and have his audience sit down, shut up, and take it. Oh, but praise if fine. He likes that. Problem with that is that he takes the kindness of females to mean that they like him . . . in that way. I mean, he chats with a girl one time and starts formulating the possibilities of a relationship, looking at lifestyle compatibility and age differences. It's just fucking creepy. I don't know if I'll get a new diary or not. I'd email you guys if I did. Those of you who'd want to know of it. If you didn't, I would not think anything of it. People come and go. It's life. 21:39 - 09.05.09 I'm still alive. I just don't know what to write. It just hasn't been in me to write anything this month. I'm mentally locked up. That's how I feel. I've got so much to do that I fucking can't start or finish shit. 23:07 - 09.01.09 September . . . finally.    |
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